Poem

One way to spend this season is to fret that it’s too good to be true,
going around knocking on wood, daring not to say or even think that things are going well, for fear of waking the sleeping giant,
waiting for the shoe to drop,
spending days staring at the sky,
eyes playing tricks, convincing the brain that perhaps a

Living in this moment means waiting.

Over time, a silent agreement has been made that our vernacular and that of those around us, should eliminate talk of the far-off future.

The Civic is driven with multiple indicator lights blazing on the dashboard,
each of which is ignored
or deemed unimportant,
since the car continues to run.

He knows that walking from the gate to the baggage claim, though hard on his physical heart,
is easier on his proverbial one than feeling the looks and sensing the judgement of those who think there are only two of them on this trip, not three.

Just like a t-shirt or a bracelet, I use my coffee mugs to set my mantra for the day. I choose them carefully and with joy and cradle them in my palms as I slowly sip my coffee throughout the morning.

I cannot let myself be immersed,

For there are too many proverbial buckets of vomit reeking in illegally parked cars that need to have my feet in them as well.

Instead of being hooked up to tubes and cords, Sean is hooked only to the basketball game on TV.

He collapsed from his wheelchair,

crumpled to the floor,

a rumply pile of the man I love.

The puppy dog eye thing is not helpful....although to be fair/confusing if you asked about my chronically ill husband with eyes bright and chipper I may have to punch you in my mind. (Did I mention that you can't win? You can't.) 

As if the divide between me in the waiting room and him in the operating room doesn’t already seem cavernous enough, it’s as if they are un-marrying us with this act.

He looked at me with big eyes and said quietly, "Oh. I see what you mean. She is kinda doing exactly what you wanted to do." 

I pull up and see my daughter standing at the door and I know something is wrong.