Processing Tools
newly diagnosed
With all of the focus on your loved one, it may feel hard to believe that you truly are part of the story. Take time with this important truth by tracing and then writing it below.
transitioning into a season of caregiving
As you transition into this season of caregiving, your time and energy will likely be called upon and used in new ways. Adding additional tasks and priorities to an already full plate without removing anything first will not serve you or your loved one well.
Take a moment to think about the committees, roles, volunteer positions, extra-curricular activities, clubs, and routines in which you and your family are currently involved. These play a role in your life right now, but may need to be put on pause in this season. This doesn’t mean you’ll never do them again! It just means that right now, you likely have other priorities. Pay attention to how you feel as you do this exercise and know that it makes perfect sense to grieve the loss of these activities.
As you begin your list below, consider if any of these are “bucket fillers” that are worth the time and energy they take even in this new season. For example, is your time spent training for the neighborhood 5k or going to Book Club or volunteering at your child’s school one of the best parts of your week? If so, consider keeping that activity while pausing the others.
The first two Processing Tools are included in the first two chapters of The Storyline, “Newly Diagnosed” and “Transitioning Into A Season of Caregiving” which are free and available to all.
Other chapters and tools can be accessed by becoming a member of The Storyline.
The Negative Space is a 501c(3) nonprofit organization dedicated to providing programs and resources that are financially accessible to all caregivers.
If the cost of The Storyline subscription is prohibitive, there are opportunities for support.
creating systems of support
In this season of caregiving, your time and energy are being pulled in multiple directions. Every task you delegate frees up much-needed space in your day and your mind. However, delegation does not come easily to most people. To that end, if you haven’t yet done the Reflection Questions for this chapter, consider pausing now and answering those before you proceed.
In this chart, think through your daily household tasks. For each one, consider delegating it to your personal connections or to local businesses for this season. As you do this, remind yourself what might happen if you don’t create a system of support.
Note: if one of these tasks is a “bucket filler” for you, keep it!
Working while caregiving
In this season of caregiving, are you able move toward a more balanced life by adjusting the number of hours you spend working outside the home? Use the steps and tools below to help determine the answer.
loneliness
When we become caregivers, our relationships with friends, family, and co-workers may change. Some show up in incredible ways we could have never imagined. Others say hurtful things or don’t provide the support that we need and deserve. Still others disappear completely.
At the same time, new friends may come into our lives because of this role: people we meet at support groups or even at the hospital. In this season, we can grieve the relationships we have lost, notice who stuck around, and celebrate the new relationships that caregiving has brought into our lives.
Use the image below to help you remember that you are not alone. Write the names of people in your life on circles radiating out from you, remembering to add new friends like those you’ve met at a support group. Add more circles as needed. Even if you only have a few names to add, take time to honor that relationship and support.
Next time you feel lonely, think back on this and remember that even though some of your relationships have changed, you are not alone.
grief
When our loved one receives a diagnosis and we find ourselves thrust into the role of caregiver, the short or sometimes long-term trajectory takes a turn. With this can come grief about many things: the future we thought we would have that may no longer be available to us, the relationships that change, the adjustments to our working life, the anticipatory grief of one day losing our person.
It is perfectly natural to grieve what you have lost and the losses yet to come and it can be helpful to take time to untangle those feelings. In the table below, list some of things you may be grieving, how that grief shows up in your body, what may trigger those feelings, and if you’ve found any strategies to help.
realistic self-care
There are a number of ways in which you can realistically support your well-being, including pausing or delegating some of your responsibilities in this season, which we covered in the chapters on Transitioning into a Season of Caregiving and Creating Systems of Support. Two other powerful tools are Micro-Moments and Pressure Valve Releases, both of which are most supportive when we find ways to build them into our routines.
Micro-Moments are small actions taken throughout the day to bring feelings of peace, joy, reflection, calm, etc. Examples may include intentionally choosing your coffee mug, playing music in the background, taking a walk, meditating, staring out the window, journaling, dance party, having a treat after dinner, spending time with pets, etc.
Pressure Valve Releases are moments in which you can let off the steam that builds throughout the day. Examples may include attending a support group, exercising, talking with a friend or a therapist, journaling, walking, meditating, etc.
surgery day
Often waiting rooms, pre- and post-op spaces, cafeterias, and hospital rooms are full of sounds, sights, and smells that feel jarring to our already heightened senses. Take a moment to look around the space you are in right now.
What do you hear? Smell? See? Feel? Taste?
Imagine you have a mixing board like a music producer in a recording studio and that your board controls the space around you. What sounds would you like to turn down? In your mind, imagine adjusting one of the knobs on the board until that sound is at a level that is more pleasing to you. Are there other sounds you want to turn down? Imagine that. Now, is there anything you want to turn up? Perhaps there is lovely music playing through the speakers or a child giggling nearby. Adjust the knobs until the sounds of the room meet your needs.
Do the same with your other senses, turning down what isn’t meeting your needs and turning up what may feel pleasant or supportive. If you like, you can try this same activity with feelings you may be experiencing. Perhaps on this day of surgery for your loved one you are feeling both anxious and hopeful. Play around with turning one down and the other up and see how that feels.
